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I wrote this book as a tribute to my 17-year-old son, who died by drowning on July 5, 1998. The book details the anguish and suffering that I experienced during the long year that followed his death. It describes the intense search for meaning about why a decent and healthy young boy has to die a senseless and easily preventable death. Writing this book gave me a purpose when I had no purpose at all. It gave me something to do when I could not mentally and emotionally do anything else. It was my guide and my companion through despair and ruin. Everything I have written is true to my life. I wrote it as it happened and as I experienced it. Before my son’s death, I would have been skeptical about many of the experiences that I had following his death. Now I see the world in a different way. I can see what I could not see before. I have dedicated this book to bereaved parents, and I am speaking to each grieving mother and father who reads these words. They alone know the anguish and despair of burying a child. Many of these parents have only a shattered life to face each day. The longing and suffering can be overwhelming. I now have joined these lonely souls who suffer in silence. Few others can truly understand the never ending sorrow that we experience. I like to think that I am spiritually bonded with all grieving parents, and that we share wisdom about the world, which is beyond the comprehension of ordinary people. From losing a child in death, our values change and we perceive the world in a different way. We have a better sense of what is important and what is not important in our lives. To those who struggle each day and fear that they are going “insane” from grief, I offer consolation and hope within these pages. There is a guide for recovery implicit in what I have said here. Everything that I have written has helped me in some small way. There is a time in despair in which nothing matters and nothing helps. It is a time in which all coping skills, including religious beliefs, fail us. It is my wish that reading these words will strengthen you and show you the way through this abyss. I have addressed the important questions about living and dying. These include: Why did he have to die like that? How can I go on without him? Where he is now? What was God’s role? What do I really believe? Is there really an afterlife? Is faith enough? Is Christianity really any comfort? These are questions that torment us and confuse us. These unanswered questions can drive us prematurely into blind faith. Perhaps my humble attempt to address these questions will inspire you to think your own thoughts and to expand your own beliefs toward what is true, instead of relying on what you have been told by those who really don’t know. There are quotes from the Bible, but the book is not a religious book. It is a spiritual quest, but it does not direct us back to religious dogma for comfort. Losing our child forces us to examine what we believe in a most critical way. Some parts may be disturbing to those who accept fundamental Christian dogma as the only truth and the only way to find comfort. Christian ideas tend to be comforting for a while, but there are times in which Christian ideas are in doubt and inadequate for our need. In my search I explore many possibilities that we must face in our attempt to cope with death and afterlife. Included is the possibility that death is the end of our existence and that there is no hope for afterlife. How are we to face death as an end, instead of a transition, and how can we prepare for such an end? I believe we owe it to ourselves to explore any conflicts or doubts that we may have about our beliefs. Then and only then can we know who we really are and what is best for each of us. Comfort and renewal come from many places. In quantum physics, for example, there is growing scientific evidence of a world beyond the physical world. A new understanding between physical reality and the spiritual dimension is developing. Our mind may be the gateway to eternity, and our deepest thoughts may connect to a divine power in the universe. From these creative ideas a renewed point of view is emerging that our life is indeed meaningful, but meaningful in ways that we have not yet fully comprehended. Mostly, however, this book is about being lost in grief, suffering, and longing; it is a search for peace of mind. It is about my struggle to deal with the worst that life can offer. It is about what the death of my only son did to me and where it left me. It is about going on when there is no reason to live. It is about grasping for hope and meaning. It is about how to survive when our child does not come back, and when we know that we will never recover. Larry D. Stanley |
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